Sardines in a Shoebox – apartment living survival tips
Hollywood never had it so right – there’s no place like home. Instead of a quaint Kansas cottage though, if I clicked my ruby slippers, I end up in the shoebox they came from. Living in an apartment can still be a home though – albeit with good and bad experiences. With a few tips, anyone living in close quarters can survive and thrive.
A home is more than just a place to sleep – it is a retreat to leave toothpaste uncapped, and fridge doors plastered with whacky magnets. The ability to relax in peace is why having a home is so important – whether it be a caravan, a typical house, or an apartment. The difference lies in how does each mode of abode affect sanity and relationships.
Even if you’ve never lived in an apartment and never will, it’s interesting to know how to handle being in small spaces with other people, such as when on a camping holiday, or squashed in between strangers on an aircraft.
The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) conducted a survey in 2003-4 that listed 76% of Australian households are houses with three or more bedrooms on separate land, leaving 11% of the 7.7 million dwellings as apartments. Units or flats can vary in size, and for this article, when I talk of apartments, I do not mean penthouses like in Homes of the Rich and Famous with their three floors each with a butler and gilt caged elevator. No, I speak of buildings somewhere in between the dreary Soviet apartment blocks and those ritzy doormenned supermodel lofts – limited privacy, limited space and no garden.
So why do people live in apartments? There are two reasons; lifestyle choice and financial constraints.
Those who live in apartments by choice are like people that buy sports cars: it’s for lifestyle not practicality. And just as hard to fit a set of golf clubs into. Apartments are located in high-density areas, offering nightlife and proximity to work and transport. The other reason why people live in apartments is money, or lack thereof. Unlike Europe, Australia has plenty of land to clutter up with giant houses. But to afford a house in an area where take-away meals are more than just cardboard boxes – and I don’t mean the packaging – one needs the bank balance of an escaped rogue trader. Having a double income isn’t necessarily a help either. The ABS states that an average of 2.51 people live in a household – creating a frisson of friction when a romantic element is involved.
There are difficulties in maintaining sanity and relationships no matter the circumstances of apartment living – it’s not all martinis in dressing gowns and top-hatted doormen – the reality is a shoebox of sardines, lives and stuff crammed into a tiny space like excited TNT molecules in a test tube. The results can be just as explosive. Ever wonder why Big Brother has a massive studio house? That’s because if the contestants were all in an apartment, the series would last a week before they killed each other in a frenzy of crazed angst.
Close proximity to other people affects all senses; you see more, smell more, hear more, and bump into each other or table corners. Mystery is the ingredient to relationships as is vanilla to ice-cream. Proximity living means no mystery; you hear every expulsion of air from any possible orifice from one’s beloved. That’s why movie stars need mansions in Beverly Hills. Because they need to keep up the mystery that yes, even Brad Pitt suffers the effects of a double garlic and onion shwarma.
Even ignoring the shudder-inducing irritations, there’s always the day-to-day impracticalities of apartments; similar to trying to play beach cricket in the space shuttle. Inviting heaps of people over for parties threatens to cause structural damage to the balcony not even big enough to swing a cat. Walls are chock full of bookcases, shoe racks, cabinets, cupboards, or shelves. Doing laundry becomes a logistical planning activity resembling a Beijing back alley; hanging sheets over chairs and the television. Which, if you can’t see, you might be able to hear nextdoor’s DVD collection of Dad’s Army or a stereo output of Johnny Cash. Meeting them in person (the neighbours, not Johnny) there’s always the awkward side glances in the lift as you comment about the flickering light and avoid the issue of overhearing last night’s loud domestic squabble. To escape the tirade, a long poke around at the potplants on the balcony was required, deluding yourself that the corn might grow, and there might be enough for one meal. In the distance there lies the greenery of the home-owners and their laden lemon tree, envying the gin and tonics they would have on their spacious balcony.
That said, the grass is always green when there’s grass. Having an apartment has advantages – no hayfever-inducing lawn-mowing or fingernail-staining weeding. Just pay the body corporate every quarter and some other sucker prunes the rosebushes that double as a burglar deterrent.
For the most part, apartments are also more secure – it’s a lot harder to break into a window when falling involves concrete and multiple fractures. Deciding to redecorate an apartment might only take a splash of paint on a feature wall and voila, you’ve gone from French Provincial to Warhol Modernista.
Whether you’re in for the long haul or just biding time until housing prices fall (hah!), how do you survive apartment living to keep sanity and relationships intact?
—Sardine Survival —
+++Saving Sanity:
Tips to make the most of your surrounds with efficiency
-Storage: getting stuff out of the way means less things on which to bruise shins. Swedish home décor company Ikea has a great range of utilitarian shelving to store all that random stuff.
-Downsizing: unless your wardrobe has a slip lane into Narnia, consider what you really need in an apartment. The whipper-snipper you bought using American Express points last year will only become useful for trimming ear airs because that’s how old you’ll be before being able to afford anything with a hedge.
-Rationalising. Just because you like a vase/picture/book/clock doesn’t mean you should buy it. It’s not like there are walls to hang it on anyway.
-Practicalities: Laundry: do smaller loads and use an indoor drying rack. The TV antenna can only hold so many pairs of socks.
+++Rescuing Relationships:
Tips to interact with others, and maintain romance with your partner
-Personal Space: keep the peace with space, whether it be an afternoon alone, or an escape room to shut out the blarings of the Simpsons. Take up a hobby – separately.
-Romance: just because you’re at home, some basic personal hygiene considerations still apply, such as shaving legs in another room, shutting the door to pee, and limiting garlic intake.
-Neighbours: Don’t make friends and don’t make enemies. A simple hello in the lift is enough for them to think you’re a nice enough person to spare late night party noise.
-Friends: only invite as many people as you have chairs.
Living the high life in a high rise needn’t be a low down. Apartments can be just as homely as a house, without all the hassle. With a few considerations and ingenuity, clicking those ruby slippers will still bring you home.
